Seven years ago, we had a baby boy. We brought him home and figured out what life looked like with a newborn in the house. Everything changed. As he grew, life in our house shifted. The rules changed. We added a second baby to the mix. Two kids. Different ages. Different rules. Then three kids. All boys. All new rules. The boy who was once a baby was 7 all of a sudden.
The rhythms and rules for a newborn are so different than a 7-year old. So we've shifted a few things. Here are a few of them:
1. Embrace the word, "no." For a while, we bent our will to make it "work" (whatever It is). Choosing your battles is wise to be certain. But I've found myself bending on rules I shouldn't. Usually, this comes down to one thing in my life: laziness. I make a stand. My kids rebel. I don't want to deal with it. So I cave.
But I've learned that my kids actually want the boundaries. I tend to think that I'm a buzzkill every time I say no, but that's not the case. Boundaries communicate care. I try to make sure my kids know the "why" behind the no. I could settle for "because I told you so," but then I'd be implementing purposeless decision-making and I don't want my kids to pick that up. I certainly don't want that to be my legacy. By the way, I'm not a saint. I've used that line plenty of times. My point in writing this is that I'm learning!
2. Parent NOW for LATER. Six years ago, we had a one-year-old. As long as he was safe and inside our four walls, there weren't many rules. It was cute when he was loud (hard to remember). It was cool when he threw things. I had dreams of him being a major league baseball player. And then we took him to the restaurant and he threw a cheddar biscuit across the room. Not cool, dude.
I learned early on that we have to parent for LATER. What works inside my home doesn't work at the restaurant, at school, or at church. What do I want them to act like in public? Set that standard at home. I know this is elementary and not new to anyone. But i've learned that sometimes my kids act up in public because I've allowed it at home. It's cute at home. Forgivable. But those kids grow up and act up at their job. Is it getting more real yet? Parent NOW for LATER.
3. Ask better questions. A few days ago, we took the boys swimming. Every two hours, there's a 10-minute break. Usually, we'll use this time to eat a packed lunch, but this was afternoon and I decided we'd switch it up. I started to play "Would You Rather" with the boys and it ended up being the quickest break time ever!
Do you know the best part of playing "Would You Rather" with your kids? You can get to the foundational layer of your kids thought processes. We know they like a certain super hero, their favorite meal for dinner or a certain movie. But do we know why? If you want to parent your kids well, this is an invaluable tool to get inside their heads.
We all know what it's like to ask a child how school was. "Good." If we want to get down to the core of who our kids are, we have to pioneer their minds. We have to learn how to explore their motivations, fears, stresses, and what makes them tick.
In a future blog post, I'll share some of the questions I asked my kids to spark some ideas.
4. Schedule "boredom" time. We're parenting kids in the age of devices. It's a help and a hindrance at times. I don't think we fully know how our kids will be affected by this cultural swing. My youngest was born in 2010. He doesn't know what it's like to live in a world without phones and tablets...or even dial-up for Pete's sake!
I know that I can buy some time with the screens. I know my kids can be quiet at a restaurant if they're playing games on my phone. But I have seen my kids' imagination light up when there's nothing to do but create some sort of game! My 7-year old is super creative. Given the tools and scheduled boredom time, he will naturally drift to his artistic side.
What's most interesting about this for me is that it links up with the spiritual discipline of meditation for me. As a 34-year-old, I'm trying to make sure that I schedule 30 minutes of quiet every day. This most likely happens on my back porch, at my kitchen table or walking in my neighborhood. This isn't time for me to work or even clear my head. It's a time for me to decompress, debrief, be thankful, and dream. This isn't prayer time; there's a separate time for that. This is time for me to be quiet. My kids would call it scheduled boredom time (it doesn't look like fun to a 5-year-old). But I am never healthier than when I allow my mind and heart time to slow down.
What are you learning in parenting?